Who am I kidding?

I am not meant for civilization. There is one really cool old growth forest here in Madison. Its called "picnic point." There are huge 200 year old Cottonwood trees on it and Oaks and other hardwoods. But you can't go there without seeing a gazillion joggers and mountian bikers etc. and Yesturday I took a walk there on a beautiful evening with full moon out and I almost got a ticket. This police woman drove up and informed me that the Park closes at ten pm and that I could get a $ 180.00 fine if I didn't leave.

Imagine if I was an indian or somthing whose ancestors were burried there? It doesn't seem right. Ancient forests shouldn't close at ten pm. I used to love taking long walks in the woods in northern MN when there was a full moon out.

Madison is a beautiful city. But there are just too many damn people. You need lots of laws and regulations when you have so many people all crammed together. I am glad I came out here and got to spend time with my Aunt and my Mother. But now I am basically here to save money to move to Alaska. Regroup. Recover from the divorce, and all the changes to my life recently.

I thought at first that maybe I would put down roots here and get involved in the arts and the local left wing politics. I am against the war and globalization and so forth, but most of all I am a non-conformist politically. I don't really fit in with left wing political groups. It burns me out. Plus the vegan bunny hugger contingency really irks me.

So I am running out of excuses not to go, not to take the plunge and move to Alaska. I am done overthinking it too. There is no perfect plan, I have to come up with. The planning just keeps me from going.

I could have went after high school, but I joined the Army instead, rationalizing, that I would get a college fund. I could have moved after I got married and my Wife and I wanted to go an be close to nature, but I moved to Minnesota instead. The rationalization was that I would still be close to family and that Minnesota was a lot like alaska because it has moose and wolves and lakes and so forth.

well not quite. but it was nice. I got a sled dog team, but before I really got fully into it, I got divorced and had to give all the dogs back.

Its really odd how I have always, from earliest childhood had this yearning for alaska, while always having this hesitation, of going. Somthing holding me back. I can't figure it out. I don't know what it is. Maybe its because I know I won't do it part way. Maybe its because I know I will be drawn very deeply into the land and want to be like these handful of people that still live a substinence lifestyle in the Bush.

Maybe its because I fear not seeing my relatives again, maybe its because I don't know if I can really make it. I don't know if I can be totally self sufficient and really live off the land. Hunt my own meat, build my own shelter, carve out my own existence. Maybe its a test I don't know if I can really pass.

I mean if its a matter of moving to Anchorage or Fairbanks and getting a regular job. I know I can do that. I can be a "weekend warrior." Camp, Hike and explore here and there as a vacation.

But compromises have not satisfied. This is what I have been doing. It just increases my appetite. I got a taste of the Boundary Waters Canoe Area Wilderness and I felt like I wanted to dissapear into it. Slip into its expanse like a lone wolf and never be seen again. But civilization has permeated that place too.

I guess what I am facing is similar to what the pioneers of old faced, as they decided to "light out for the territory" and become a "mountian man."

They faced the strong possibility that they might not make it, that they would die, fail the test, or even if they made it they may not see their loved ones ever again.

This is what is ahead for me. I must face this fact.